Ride He Said
I don’t know why it’s like this; but it is. There are a multitude, poking me, prodding me, and looking within; to no avail. This is supposed to be an enlightened age. Sometimes … I think not. There is still fatigue. There is still depression. There is still lymphedema in my feet, ankles and legs. Oh. And lets not forget the headaches. I still feel like my permanent press is a mess! What’s a boy-man-child to do?
Ride he said!
It’s not much. But it’s a start. My first ride was just 4.7 miles. Not earth shattering when compared to the forty mile rides, and the ability to go to the gym six days a week, I was able to do before this last bout of chronic fatigue. Oh how the mighty have fallen—yet again!
These days with the fatigue and especially the depression I’ve had to become a bit more strict and a bit more creative. Even in these past eight rides (shown in this post) I’ve had to kick myself in the ass several times just to get out the door and on the street. I also had to look more closely at physical distance from home, weather, and wind speeds; because with the way I’ve been feeling anything could make me just turn around and say “fuck it!”
To help clock miles without a real destination, I started using a new “technique” to keep me close to home: I call it the ap.ZigZag. (see jo.Ride: 18.06.10 above) Normally I’d get on my bike and ride the New Jersey coastline north or south in a straight line. In the past, that might not have been a huge deal. If I rode five miles straight, I’d have to turn around and ride five more to get back. I needed to find a way to get miles in, but still be within a safe and manageable distance to get back home.
And so the ap.ZigZag was created. Not the most creative name … but it will do for now. And it works. It takes the pressure off my brain and subtracts from the reasons I might create to turn back home. As I like to say: We have to work within the construct. And the construct these days is my health; both mental and physical. And so I ride.
Hell … I’ve even taken my first ride in the rain; just to keep my riding streak going. It wasn’t a torrential downpour, more like a very sporadic drizzle. And again, I could work within that construct. I’m trying everything I possibly can to keep this riding thing going. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want my illnesses or my depression to win the war. And it is a war! One I’m determined to win. But even within that idea, is pressure to perform—no matter what. There has to be a kinder/gentler solution. Guess we’ll see.
I like riding. Even on my seven year old Trek hybrid. Sure … I wish I could afford a better bike—a racing bike. But that’s not the case and won’t be for quite some time—if ever. Yup … work within the construct. Yes I have to work with what I have; technically, physicaly, mentally, and siritualy. Right now it’s about putting on miles. Getting more physically fit and confident in my abilities. And with any luck lose some of the weight I’ve put back on. I just have to overcome my impatience, recalibrate my self deprecation, and be more gentle with myself.
And even if my permanent press is still a mess! What’s a boy-man-child to do?