Sometimes I wonder where the time goes. Most times I’m so caught up in the mind-numbing sameness of the every day, that I often don’t realize time has passed. Or maybe I just don’t want to consciously recognize I’ve gotten another day older … and as the song goes … deeper in debt.

And to look at the line before, and the one in the song too … I’m also afraid I’m reaching the 16-ton mark. Okay maybe that’s a “little” exaggerated, but I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. And that is certainly a frightening thought to an aging man. Well at least this aging man. I can’t speak for us all.

My vanity will not allow me to reveal my current weight. Well okay … I currently weigh 20 stones. You do the math! It’s with this in mind I figured it was time. Time to get back to the gym. My doctor has been urging me to. He also offered up this little nugget too. “Joe … you should get back to the gym. Especially now that you are being

There have been a whole host of things that have gone on in the past few weeks.

On the health front … went to see Dr Raghu as a follow up for my Sarcoid. He didn’t put me on any drugs at all and told me he didn’t want to see me for another 6 months. Unless of course something “pops up’. The chemo drug he put me on really “messed” with my system, especially my thyroid & my testosterone levels. My Thyroid is coming back on it’s own, and my testosterone levels are getting back to normal with injections every 10 days. When they reach normal & stay … no more injections either. Woo hoo!

On the communication front … I did something I said I would NEVER do … I joined the Twitter Nation. As can be evidenced by the Twitter Widget on the right side of this here blog. The scary thing is I’m liking it better than Facebook. At least with Twitter there are no Fave 5′s and no other extraneous noise. I can “follow”

Life is dichotomy. Life is duality. The Yin & Yang of light & dark, virtue & evil, up & down … uh … you get the idea. Existential at best. Detached at worst. Round and round goes the world, as does life.

The Good News:

Went to see my pulmonologist today, after a four month hiatus from him or any Sarcoid drugs. He says though active, my Sarcoid is still mild. Like some milk-toast cheddar from Wisconsin. He doesn’t see any link with any of my current symptoms. And let me tell you … there still are plenty.

The Bad News:

In looking at the EKG that Dr Rosenfield did on me a few weeks ago in his office, Dr Raghu says it shows an abnormality. Okay … that’s a scary statement. And looking at my blood test results, my thyroid function is low. Not catastrophic, but this could also add to why I’m still feeling tired.

I feel the need to shower. It’s time to come clean. Not in a drench me with lukewarm  water in an enclosed box kind of thing. I think this is more a metaphoric shower. In my posts talking about my autoimmune disease Sarcoidosis, I’ve always disguised my doctors’ names. It’s time to come clean.

I realized that those folks who do read my posts about Sarcoidosis may be looking for doctors to be their advocates. I know that the process of diagnosis, and just having this disease is emotionally draining. Not knowing where to start, or what doctors to turn to, or ones that even know what the disease is … that’s the hardest part. Not knowing. Feeling alone. Feeling helpless & hopeless.

I guess if I go back an list the characters in this long running play “Living The Sarcoid Life”  I could clear things up. Maybe a list of the ‘advocates’ and the ‘clueless’ might work. But then I also need to think of the liability of talking about the ‘clueless’ … can they sue me for libel? It is only my opinion. For now … just the advocates.

Warning danger Will Robinson! This is a major rant. If you are offended easily, close the window NOW! Or click here.

Hi … how are you? Cordial enough. Polite enough. But are people really asking me … how AM I … really? Like most everything else in this life … is it just another desensitized, sanitized question? Homogenized & pasteurized to the point it will not infect or effect? Do I dare tell them? Are they ready to hear how I’m doing. Should I hold this in. Just nod my head say “I’m fine, thanks” … and be on my way? I realize I will tell those people who “need” to know, but even then I’m not quite sure what to tell them. Or how much to tell them.

Well hey … you know … I just found out I have this incredulously incurable disease. That will always “harsh someone’s high” .. or in this case, harsh their “Hi … how are you?” Not my intent. Or maybe it is. Maybe it’s my way of “misguiding my anger” like some heat seeking missile exploding in someone’s face with a coy … “Oh ..I’m doing really swell. I just found out I have an incurable disease.” BOOM!

Thank you Hanz & Franz. Thank you Dr Mike. Steroids is the name. Treating Sarcoidosis is the game. Well as much as one can “treat” this disease. As Dr Mike told me today, “Sarcoidosis is the ‘soft’ diagnosis” for what’s going on with me. In other words … this is what we think it is. Now I will have to follow the yellow brick road from Emerald City Medical Arts to the pulmonologist he will send me to. But right now it’s mega-steroids for the next six day. I just took my first three pills. Five today. Four tomorrow … etc etc etc … for the next six day. So if I talk to you between now & then & I’m a bit “snappish” please forgive me ahead of time … for the drugs know not what they do.

Dr Mike says the roids will help my breathing “issues” … so that’s a good thing. I’m still not sure whether granulomas are forming in my lungs, along with the lymph nodes being enlarged. All I got from our meeting this morning was that the “shadowing” and the lymph node enlargement were probably causing my “breathing issues.” (My words … not Dr M’s.) From all the blood testing I STILL have elevated liver functions. This has been going on for a long time. My liver is also enlarged, according to images from an upper body ultrasound I had a few months ago. His thinking is that, knowing Sarcoidosis can affect any organ, my liver could have been the first casualty.

Yup, it will all come out in the wash. It’s laundry day. Not Independence day. Not Sadie Hawkin’s Day. Not even Boxing Day. (Though Chris and I would like to box things up & move into that 4th floor apartment. Oye! What a view!) It’s just a day to do the wash. Now you would think that a simple task like laundry would have no major repercussions other than clean clothes. But these aren’t ordinary days.

Up the stairs. Down the stairs. With my lungs the way they’re feeling, I surely wish there was an escalator to get me up & down that flight of stairs. Who would have thought that something that simple could make me feel so badly. Laundry and stairs.

Now I don’t want to fill you with visions of me crawling up the steps clutching my chest and heaving, gasping for breath, and in my other hand a basket of smelly clothes dragging behind me. No … nothing like that. Let’s just say … breathing … a little labored (said in my best John Stewart voice.)

It’s the little things, or so I’m told. But this seemingly little thing? Not so little. But hey … on the bright side. I’ve got clean clothes!

It’s the weekend. It’s Saturday. No doctors. No tests. No poking. No prodding. No nothin’. I’m just waking up, and I’m not feeling too great. My lungs feel tight this morning. I’m having a bit of trouble breathing. Chris asked me if I wanted to go to the emergency room, but I said “no.” Wouldn’t Nancy Reagan be proud of me! I figured that this is the way my lungs felt yesterday, and this is the way they feel today. I only have to get to Monday & talk to Dr Mike & get his input.

In the meantime I have to deal with the uncertainty & fear that’s going through my head. It’s a hellish place to be. This land of no. No ideas. No clue. No diagnosis. No relief. Where I really want to be is the land of know. That’s the place I’ll be on Monday … with any luck & and an insightful doctor. At least I’ll have answers & I can move forward … where ever that is.

“I just called to tell you …” Well he didn’t say he loved me, but he did say I have some “black shadowing” on my lungs and some enlarged lymph nodes. I have to give him … that’s Dr Mike (for those of you keeping score) … his props. I went for the chest x-ray just yesterday. He called me with the results, just moments ago. He’s already got me set up to do a chest CT scan. Quick. Direct. Efficient. That’s how I like my physicians …. then again that’s how I like most people. But this is Seattle. Passive aggressive is the modus operandi here … but I digress.

As I go through the laundry list of symptoms … swelling ankles, check … sores on legs, check … appearance of non caseating granulomas, check … shadowing on lungs, check … swollen lymph nodes, check. Hell … that’s one big laundry list … and it tells me I’m washed up. Well maybe not so much washed up as hosed. Right now it’s tough to know what I’m feeling. So I’ll wait on the CT scan & see what news that brings.

For those of you who haven’t Googled sarcoidosis yet ….