To The Bone

This is a follow-up to the post: “A Show of Hands.” It’s funny. I’ve sat here for 30 minutes trying to find a way to start this. Trying to find the most obtuse angle to dive in. Contemplating a witty way to say what I needed to. I’m tired. I’m hurting. And I think my anger will have to be enough for now. Okay … I just need to say it. My Sarcoidosis is flaring up again. What’s really shitty is it’s now creating cystic lesions in the bones of my hands, wrists & fingers. So when I tell you this entry is a pain to write …. take it literally.

I’ve been dreading this moment. The moment when I had to admit to the world that my Sarcoid is back. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! After the X-rays back in August. A three week round of steroids … which did help the swelling and pain vacate. An MRI of my hands and wrists at Viva Las Vegas Radiology … this is what they’ve come up with … there are now intraosseous cystic lesions depositing their pretty little selves into the bones of my fingers, hands and wrists. This in turn is causing the tendons in my hands to swell and cause more pain and weakness. Yippee Skippy!I’m having difficulties picking up and holding onto objects. I tried to pick up three nested ceramic bowls the other day, and dropped the lot of them. Luckily only one of the bowls broke. But of course …. it was one of my fave hand made bowls I bought in San Diego. Oh well … and so it goes.

These past few months have been bad for me. I now have to go through all that …. this disease can kill me …. kind of shit … again! I know the odds are greater that I will lead a much longer life than I might think … or want. But there are those times when I read some of the blogs of those that are having much more severe episodes and it makes me think … I am lucky. Lucky? Now I’m waiting to hear back from my pulmonologist Dr Spaghetti Sauce. He’s going to refer me to a rheumatologist that also specializes in Sarcoid. In the mean time … I wait. Again. All I can say is I’m tired and I hurt … to the bone.